i just got done with my braids and my scalp is on the tender side. but i'm glad to have it done cuz i gotta work tomorrow.
mmm...the end of another year and where am i? i'm still in school unfortunately and mmm...my procrastination has gone through the roof this year. this whole chem. project is going to kill me. it's really going to kill me. especially if i really do have to pay 203.20 for just the chemicals. i guess this is what sucess looks like huh?
and tomorrow will be the day before the last day of the year. and isn't that something? i'll be working both days. what does that say about me? that i'm incredibly dedicated to work? i think not. although, i had this semi-surreal dream about work where it was but it wasn't all at the same time. and i sucked. and even though i've freaked out at work before, i've never sucked at it before.
'05 has been such a crazy year. and it went by incredibly fast. so much stuff happened. terri schiavo, the pope, richard pryor, tookie williams, luther vandross and so many others died this year. i feel like i'm missing some one else...there was a new pope, two hurricanes in the states, a huge-ass tsunami in the indian ocean, natalee holoway, the 1st iraqi election, a white house breakdown, a snitch and a whole hell of a lot of good albums this year.
and it's crazy that it's just another year in the big log of life. like eventually some of this will be history (katrina, tsunami, iraq elections) and some of it will be forgotten (natalee...) but it's still just another year. and a crazy one it has been.
and of course when everyone's throwing back martini's on new year's eve, they will form the promises, "resolutions", that they swear they will keep up with, only to fail miserably two weeks into. because that stuff is hard.
but i'm not a pessimist. '06 might be my favorite year ever. we may finally go back to nigeria this summer (i HOPE so), i'll be a senior, my face will thin out (i can dream...), and i'll learn to drive eventually. and maybe, just maybe someone will finally keep one of their new years' resolutions.
Hopeful, yes we are, hopeful for today. Take this music and use it let it take you away and be hopeful, hopeful and we'll make a way. I know it ain't easy, but that's okay because we're hopeful.
i'd first like to say that it is obvious that mary j. blige is indeed the queen of hip-hop soul. i love that she's done it again. and i love this song. and i love terrence howard in the video.
if college doesn't work out, i'm going to work for mtv. 5 people told me that they could see me working for mtv. and i love that station and the "music" if you can still call mtv music television.
i of course opened my presents this afternoon (digital camera, books, hotel rwanda, left behind 3, boots, warm-up, suit, bag, gloves, scarf, ring, sweater, message in a bottle). had to go to church this morning, embarass myself in front of "mi amore" and damn near snot up everything. not really but it was still kind of gross...only because it was him, anyone else and i would have played that off serious. and i went to church last night after working one of the seriously hardest days i've ever had.
the good news: i officially believe all of the drama is over. bad news: i broke my first plate that actually had a meal on it. and it was in the sightline of the people i was going to give it to. and that had me shook up and jumpy because i was pretty stressed out to begin with because i felt like it was happening way too fast and i was supposed to have a little control over the day, but it was crazy and it didn't get any less crazy 'til the people left. and that wasn't for a while. and then me, julia, and anita delivered boxes. i like both of them. julia's sweet and anita's crazy. she's kinda older, but i still think she's cool. and she says fuck almost as much as priscilla does. i've never felt that tense after work before. and my feet were swollen as all when i went to printer's ink to get qudd and obi's presents. i picked good 'uns i think. i got qudd the boondocks compilation book and obi the complete collection of ernest hemmingway's short stories. i like that place. it's really chill. and it smells like barnes and noble's without all of the crowd.
so, went to church x-mas eve, felt like passing out, dressed up as hell, sitting in the front row, and tired as fuck. and i had to sit there for an hour and a half with all of the sitting/standing/sitting stuff that we go through. i hate that mess. and i only hung around long enough to give ariana and brittany their presents and keep it moving. and they were kind of out of it too. and it seems like everyone's out of it this time of year. that's why it kind of sucks i think. people get really worked up about it and lose focus on what they're celebrating and get caught up in all of the hype. and it's always this time of year i get to feeling lonely. although to bear a ring of power is to be alone. it's like "wow, another year, another person, same bullshit". and it never really gets better. and i still don't have anyone to kiss on new years of course, i suppose that's not the worse thing that could happen...well, its not the worse thing, but some days...
oooh, i played lazer tag on thursday. it was fun actually playing, but the down time pretty much sucked. except the fact that my sister and ariana were there, it was not my thing. and i'm really, really tired of the whole rachel-kelsey-alanna mean girls' thing that they're trying. if you're not willing to actually be outright bitches, then why bother? all you do is make yourselves look slightly broodish. i could go on about how church is beginning to remind me of school (which i loathe) and how i'm beginning to get that whole buck authority feeling again. that feeling gets me in trouble a lot though. like a lot , a lot. maybe i'll finally cuss someone out. or have one of my boobs pop out. just for (my) giggles. and to wake the semi-attractive stiffs up. oooh, that didn't sound right. seriously considering dropping weight just to rock a mini-skirt to church. a mini-mini skirt. and i'd wear my better-than-ugg boots. my bdgidy-bdgidy as my mom calls them. they're hot and i love them. even if i "look like i'm going hunting". i look good. and there isn't too much i would buy that i couldn't work into my wardrobe. and then i'd wear a white see top through with a red bra and gucci sunglasses just to be ostentacious. but hey, i'm fantasizing about a life that i cannot claim. maybe one day when i've left. that'll be my "welcome back" look. that's hot.
i could go on about this week and i fully plan to, but i'm watching star wars with obi, adaeze, and nikki.
Too strong for too long, and I can't be without you baby, And I'll be waiting up until you get home because I can't sleep without you baby. Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel. Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it. Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby.
so, i've been having hella weekend. i really have been.
on wednesday i had DECA competition which was pretty bomb if i do say so myself. and i had a good time with lauren and hollie. which kind of surprised me because while i don't mind hollie, i didn't really know her that well, but she's a cool chick. and i heart lauren. i really do. i placed third overall in food marketing associate level. hollie got first place on the written exam though. i'm not going to lie, but i was kind of shocked. i know that sounds kind of crunchy but i was. and the bus ride back was the best because it was almost pitch black and we were just chillin out talking about work and politics. i like just hanging out with people like that.
then on thursday it snowed and iced. and this really hot guy came and asked if he could shovel our driveway. i was like you can shovel my driveway anytime. but yeah, he got paid 30 bucks. that's pretty industrious if i do say so. and they had an atv hooked up with a plow so it was pretty fast work. and i was sad to see him go. even though if he's anything like the guys i go to school with, he's a good looking jackass. mmm...gotta love those. so of course, we didn't have school on thursday and that's when i started noticing that my computer was being a total fuck-up. it would not let me log in "interactively". i was pissed. i banged on the keys like a million times and it still wouldn't work. i think i've permanently fucked up my number and caps lock though. oh well. so, i really wanted to go to school on friday so i could figure out what the hell "interactively" means and what was wrong with my computer. but we didn't have school on friday. i turned on the radio and i heard roanoke county and i went back to sleep. but i did hear who won the apprentice *yay randal*. and even though i wasn't supposed to, it was cool. but anyways, my mom woke me up and told me we were going to the mall which was fine with me. i got pretty much all of my christmas shopping done. i went to claire's and i hit 'em up. and blew 60 bucks plus another 20 on lunch for me, nikki, and adaeze. so, my mom owes me 60 now. which is cool with me. i need the deneiro.
and then on friday, i got called in for work, i worked, and then from there i went to this christmas coffee for the ladies at church. i didn't change at work because my mom pulled up and so i had to change in the car. and my mom was late and she wanted to turn back. but i didn't want her to so i walked fast and got their before she did so she wouldn't. and at first, we didn't have anyone to talk to. and i felt bad. because it's one thing for me to be a wallflower, because i'm used to it, but not my mommy. no. so i talked to her until rhonda came. and when rhonda came i walked around and ate some food here and there but mostly, i just did what i do best, look forlorn. so, i was looking forlorn and trying to make conversation with hannah and anna and ari, but there's only so much conversation you can have with two 12 year olds. before it gets old anyways. so then i tried to talk to kelsey, alanna, and rachel, but that was weird too. it's like trying to break into some almighty clique where you know you're not welcome. and they're fucking 14. what the hell am i trying so hard for? maybe it's because i don't like being a wall flower. then again, maybe it's just because i die if i don't have someone to talk to. but anyways, they were obsessed with when tim and patrick were coming back because the whole party was at their house. rachel is in love with tim. i don't know why. no one else really likes him. and kelsey is obsessed with patrick. even though he's 20 and she's 14. i guess it's a little bit like my 50 thing, but i know i'm never going to marry him. and she's convinced that she's going to get married at 18 and have lots of kids with him. but i guess when your goal in life is to keep your virginity intact until marriage, then maybe young marriage is the way to go.
i can't see anyone really getting married at 18. that's old school to me. like kind of back in the day. it seems like there's so many other things you'd wanna do at 18 that seeting up a little family is like way out there, but like i said, sex is kind of important. people just pretend it isn't. and apparently patrick is bummed that all of his friends are married and he's not. which i think that if you're 20 and single, you better be living that shit way up. and be like fuck all y'all idiots. you got married too damn young. well, maybe he shouldn't say that. they are his friends. but i think that he should be happy he's not married. he can do whatever he pleases. of course that's to an extent seeing as how he's a good boy. but, other than that. god, i wonder what that's like. being a good person or a nice person. i feel like that's so far gone. like i don't give a fuck anymore. see, there i go. and i think that's why i like him. because even though i think he's seen more than i have (maybe not...) he's still managed to keep himself separate from it instead of filtering it in and out of himself. and i respect that.
oh wait, i was going to tie this back into the holidays...oh yeah, so there we are in ladies' sisterhood celebrating the birth of our lord and saviour jesus christ when i came the realization that our church is nothing more than a sorority of holier-than-thou skinny ass white women with bleached hair and too many damn kids. for the most part. and why are we going to this church in the first place? i pretty much hate it there for the most part. there's only a few reedeeming things. and they ain't the sermon. why on earth do people live this whole christian life thing, and then treat their fellow friends and "christians" like shit they need to get off the bottom of their shoes. i know i don't count, but still. my mom does. and shouldn't i get a little decency by association or is it not extended to me. wait, the holidays part...oh yeah, like this whole god loves us so we love the world thing, it isn't really true is it?
they get all mad that Corporate America had commericialized the hell out of christmas and the holidays. but so have they. they just glitz and glam and bible-ize it so that it looks like it has meaning. but it doesn't it's still the same vain, shallow ass people just pushing a new christmas album, or party, or sermon, or coffee on you. and if you look like you don't buy in then you don't fit in. and fuck you then. because you're not like them. and so all of this "christian charity" that was supposed to be well intended or natural or whatever. is so fake. and they won't even pretend it's not.
so, happy holidays and a blessed new year.
If you're troubled, you just gotta take it slow, if you're worried all you gotta do is let me know.
I have a B in history whoo-whoo!! (that's the sound of the police).
so, it's icing outside, but hey...what can i say, it's pretty much a sure thing there's no school tomorrow. i'm so exicted. and i just can't hide it.
i tried to write like 3 other entries and look at rollingstone.com at the same time, and apparently it just doesn't work like that. my lovely computer shut down internet explorer each time, so i said screw it.
so the run down: i went shopping with maia on saturday and had a kickass time. somehow when there's no family involved, it's like nothing. shopping is just shopping. retail therapy is real. except for at the "most wonderful time of the year". then maybe not so much. and i did serious damage if i do say so myself. i got a two jackets, one vest, earrings, a purse, a wallet, and mi amore my amber romance body spray from Victoria's Secret. plus lunch and two cookies from the cookie factory. all in all it was hot. and maia was there so it was even hotter. officially making it hott (yes, with an extra "t"). but i think maybe the best part was maia driving and us missing the exit and my (horrible) direction giving skills. hilarity at its best. and maia is boss at driving.
but the only thing that bugged me was that there were too many damn holiday songs on. and a "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" Rap. and at Victoria's the ladies that work their aren't nice to you unless you look like you can afford their stuff. hmm. but i'm not mad really because it wasn't that big a deal. it was just nice to chill for once. especially when it's all hectic everywhere.
and then on the school front, there was no school on monday because of the "snow" which was fine with me, and then the rest of the week, i've had essays out the ass. like seriously 3 in one week is cool, if you're a writer, but not if you're a bum ass like me. nooooo.
thought of the week: everything we love can be saved, but what if love doesn't want to be saved?
If you can't get the one you love, love the one you're with
so, yesterday i had an entry almost done and then my computer got stupid on me and i had to shut down. great isn't it. and i don't remember what i was writing about. i don't really remember much of anything. i do remember though that i just took two tylenols for my tongue and it doesn't feel any better. i'm really tempted to take another one because i need it to stop hurting.
i've been sixteen for almost a whole week now. it wasn't really earth shattering or changing or whatever. i just feel a little morbidly depressed right now. school's piling up and i
i joined the myspace cult last weekend. and all i have to say about that is myspace is one helluva drug. really it is. and i don't know why. it's like modified email and message boards. but it pretty much takes all.
we had the blood drive today and seeing all that blood made me want to donate. i don't know why. or be the nurse sticking people. i just think that's kool. and i met this cool chick named mary. but other than that, school was school and kool.
and i don't have to work this weekend which is the best thing i've ever had. well, especially considering the last two weekends i didn't have work were the weekend of the camping trip from (frozen) hell, and PSAT weekend. i'm pretty sure anyways. and i'm getting kind of tired of feeling retired at work anyways.
Let me be the one you need, loving you is necessary. I'll be the one you rely on.
so, i'm officially sixteen now even though i've always felt older. does that make sense. in some ways, birthdays haven't really been that satisfying to me because i never really feel older or anymore special. i just get to do what i want for a day. sometimes for a whole weekend depending on what's up. but most of the time, i do a little thing here or there, get something from my parents, a whole slew of 'happy birthday's and that's it. i normally go to bed pretty early those days too. but other than that, birthdays are just days i happened to be celebrating my birth on. i went to macado's with some people with church and besides the whole having to pay for everyone else, it was pretty cool. i was bummed after rachel left early though because she's the only normal normal person there it seems like. sometimes.
so, i woke up really early and got dressed wore my new jeans and jacket. because we did that earlybird-5-am-shopping-after-thanksgivi
i worked wednesday, thursday, friday, and saturday this week. got in 17 hours and hated it. i don't mind the people it's just the working that bothers me...oh, and the fact that everyone talks about everyone else. i know that's the nature of the beast, but it still bothers me. i only say shit about the people i don't like. but that's just me...maybe i'm shallow too. i am never mind.
and then i wonder how come he doesn't love my laugh anymore. and how come he doesn't remember he used to tell me that. and how come somewhere down the line i started catching feelings that i can't let go of. it's sick, but sometimes i can see myself with him. farther down the line. and i think about what could be and i realize that i need help because how can you feel so much for so many different people? like our emotions, our infatuation, our adoration, our pure-love gets pulled in so many different ways. and how is it that we love those who don't love us back the most?
oh, and i found out my other love is a virgin which just about bowled me over with a feather, because i love him but he's a freak. and yes, i do mean in that rap video kind of way. which makes me wonder what all of his other comments refer to. but on that note...
Your body is what I want to feel, you got it.
so, i ain't written in a minute. but it's all good because nothing really happens to me.
i went to maia's house and chilled for a little while. that was fun. she has a nice house. and then we went to grace's place in salem with her family and we had to wait for an hour and 40 minutes. but we killed time by scaring the bats (birds) in the trees next to the co-op. that was my first time at the co-op and it was pretty cool. i didn't finish my chocolate bar from there, but i can't find it in the fridge. somebody must have had fun with it. and so, i was bugging the whole time because my mom was tripping over the fact that i went out to dinner with them. i don't know i guess it's because she only met maia really briefly. but i still don't see what the big deal was. and so, we waited for an hour and a half for pizza that wasn't really that good in my opinion. i don't know. maybe because it was barbecue chicken pizza, but i think it needed more barbecue sauce. so, after that we went back to my house and i guess the grown-ups made nice or whatever and i showed maia the house. and she's got 3 of my books now. and when she showed her parents they laughed because they were "girly" books. i don't know if that's because they don't approve of "girly" books or because maia doesn't normally read them. so now 4 of my books are on loan. and they happen to be books i really like. so i hope i get them back or i'm beating some asses. oh, and my mom was mad that i was out later than i said/thought i would be. but it's not like she would do anything. i don't go out soooo much that this would piss her off. i am mad at myself for bringing it up with maia's family though. that was unnecessary and it was kind of rude now that i'm thinking about it. and i just aired my mom out like that. which sucks on my part. but what can i do?
saturday i worked all day. i am not even kidding. i got to work at 10 and left at 5. and i had been on my feet all day. i ate 4 chilli dogs though. cuz i'm so greedy like that. they were good. v killed it on the chilli i think. mmm...reminiscing (sp?) on food? not cool...i'm a certified fat kid though, so whatever. and we had the holiday bazaar at work and i feel bad because not that many people came compared to last year apparently. priscilla said that it was jam packed and there was no walking room last year. and this year there was a trickle of people in and out. the residents looked sad too. did i mention that i had 4 chilli dogs? i thought so. after work, i finished, finished my chemistry paper. i am so glad. i'm done with that. never want to see it again. but we still have to do the actual lab. but we have until january. no big deal.
so, now i'm bored. but i walked to work with obi and then he left without saying anything to me because he "thought i was working" so i ran around the whole building like an asshole bugging the shit out of the nurses looking for him. and the whole time he was just walking home. and what i don't understand is why he thought i was working when i told him i wasn't and i just needed to get someone to come in for me tomorrow. but he wasn't listening. and he wasn't listening when i told him i'd be right back either. isn't he a great listener? so much so that he left me at my work so i could run around like an idiot and look for him? that made me mad. and i told him so. so now, i'm getting over it i guess, but i don't know. whatever.
ooh, i'm competing in the DECA regionals in december. i'm excited...but i kind of don't want to go out of nerves. i get nervous early.
If you losin' your high then smoke again, and keep 'em high.
so, today was weird.
in english we gave our little speech and had our "debate" on homelessness which was really only a discussion. then i had current events where we talked about the infractions of the police and then the role of big oil companies in chechnya's political relations. after that i had pre-calc where i drew on my binder for most of the period and started the homework. (which i didn't bring my book home to do).
then i had marketing with ashley, kelsey, and nikki. i felt kind of shitty because i have cramps and i was up til two last night doing homework but like they were basically ignoring me like i wasn't there. i don't know. i feel like that sometimes like where i don't really have any friends. i don't want to sound whiney or whatever by saying that i don't like it when people just act like i don't matter, but especially with them...nikki and kelsey who i go all the way back to 7th grade with and ashley who i was tight with last year especially after all the drama in strength training. so i don't understand why i get the cold shoulder from them now. and its almost like it's on purpose. like they go out of their way to look at me like i don't belong. i don't know. maybe i don't but don't be so obvious about it. and after marketing when i was leaving with ashley and kelsey, i kept having this thought like "why am i doing this shit? i need new friends." and that was kind of looping through my head like over and over again. and i don't know what that means. can you just get over people. no, because i consider them my friends, but i also know that things aren't the same because i hardly ever talk to them. i hardly ever talk to anyone. i just don't ever feel like i have time and i don't have my own phone and i don't really IM or email that much and with work and stuff i don't get out that much. so its like everyone's progressed on. and i'm still here, still 15 just waiting to catch up, but i don't know.
it drives me to want to get out of here faster. as much as i like school i can't stand to be here anymore. graduating and leaving will be such a relief because i feel like i need to start over. and everytime i get that feeling we move, but it's too late in the game to leave. i have to finish other wise i'll always wonder what would have happened if i hadn't. it's the same feeling i get when i realize that all of my school friends in detroit are juniors at Groves now. and i have no idea who is still there and who moved away and what teachers they have and what classes they're taking. and even though i was never there to miss it, i miss it because it's what could have been. does that make sense? it's the desire for what can never be attained. because unless we move back to the old neighborhood, it's never going to happen. and the way i envision it, with the blurred memories of the people i remember from middle school, isn't what is real. because most of those people have moved or mellowed out or shifted themselves. but it's like i need it to be the same. i don't know. i just found out my favorite teacher from middle school moved and i was all sad about it. and i don't even live in detroit anymore so its not like i could have seen her anyways, but just the fact that what was once my "life" isn't so much mine anymore. maybe it's letting go issues. maybe i need things to be the same just so that i can deal with them. and maybe that's why i'm almost desperate to stay around people who don't give a damn anymore. i'm holding on too tight. but i have no where to go when i let go. i don't fit anywhere else.
When I'm gone just carry on, don't mourn, rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice. Just know that I'm looking down on you smiling and I didn't feel a thing so don't feel no pain, just smile back.
so, i'm babysitting right now. and we're watching jimmy neutron. and i just finished up the powerpoint so, i'm glad.
my parents should be back soon which is good because i can't handle this many little people in the house at one time. chukie is enough.
speaking of the midge, his diet "started" today. i don't understand how not eating certain carbohydrates is supposed to make your autism decrease. but i guess i wouldn't since i don't have a degree. but i think it has something to do with the "connection" between the stomach and the brain. i don't know, i hope it works though.
i don't wnat to go to school tomorrow. i can't remember if i had homework in pre-calculus. and if i did, i don't want to do it. ooh, and i have to check the english calendar to see if we had any mini-PASTAs to do.
i just felt like writing. and one of the kids is wishing that addy had thrown a cowpie at the teacher. i don't know if this is instilling children with the proper values. whatever.
Before the day you die, you gon' touch the sky, so take 'em high.