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The Beautiful Offense

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so classes have started, i'm excited about most of them, but i have a lot of reading to do so...

i hate my new room, but hopefully i'll have a new one soon. i don't have anything else to really say right now. except life is soooo funny.

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it's been forever since i've written here. mostly because i tried to do the written journal and then got super paranoid about losing it or amassing this huge collection of notebooks that i can't hide anymore.

i actually almost completely forgot about it and spent forever trying to remember the password. now i'm on the fence about keeping it or going ahead and deleting the whole business.

i'm supposed to be studying for exams, but i'm not. i'm pretty sure orgo is going to be a bust. and i really don't care. there must be something wrong. i really don't care. like, might not even show up care. no, i'll show up. but i don't promise anything beyond that.

i love being at school, but i hate being at school. especially because it seems like nothing of real importance is happening to me right now. maybe that's not the right way to put it. it's like looking out the window and seeing this amazing scenery and wanting to be a part of it. but you can't. because there's a huge panel of glass keeping you from it. and even if you walk outside and try it's a totally different experience. not the same. some how it's just out of reach.

and it's like somehow, all of these things that are supposed to make me happy don't.

and i'm still waiting for him to text me back.

It's this thing now, it's driving me wild, i gotta see what's up before it gets me down.
Current Music:
Drivin' Me Wild by Common f. Lily Allen
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so, school's about over. i'm so happy. just took the ap english and us history exams. i think i might have actually done better on the history essays than the english essays. this comes as a shock considering that i have not done shit for history class all year. i might actually get a three me thinks. a four is asking for too much from the good lord above, but whatever. they're done, now all that's left is sols and that's it. i just have to keep showing up to get my exam exemption. which is pretty bomb.

and as we approach summer, i start getting that feeling again. i realize that being a floater and going between so many social groups hasn't really necessarily been the best thing. the people that i was closest with in middle school and up to 10th grade feel so distant now, and i barely know them...except i'm still friends with them. all of my good friends are graduating so i won't see them next year, and the rest i'm either close to, but never really get to see, or see often but never really feel close to. so i suppose this makes for another summer filled with sitting on my ass and going out with my family. and seeing as how i still can't fucking drive, and ike's not going to tech next semester, this summer may very well suck ass.

and...titan twelve is selected on wednesday. these are my picks.

1. Padma...no shit, no shit, no shit
2. Betsy...ditto
3. Becky...she's smart and asks a lot of questions
4. Marcus...he does a lot of stuff
5. Hayley...brains, beauty, and bank...but not necessarily in that order...but yeah...she's still a bitch
6. Josiah...he's an athlete.
7. Lauren...kinda like hayley, but no bank and not much beauty
8. Andrew H...i think he's cool, he's also smart as fuck
9. Bob...except they'll call him robert
10. David...plays tennis, smart as fuck, nice guy...quintessential
11. Alex...another athlete, i think he's pretty smart too...vt loves him...
12. Sarah...so, combine all of the above mentioned qualities, subtract athlete and add pretention and there you have it

and to be perfectly honest with you i'll be surprised if a couple of these don't get it because they walk around like they already are it. i'd love to be able to say that i don't give a fuck, but i kind of do. it would be nice to finally have something that shows my parents that i actually do count, but let's be fucking real here. they have to pick 12 of these motherfuckers and well, about half of them are so fucking obvious. the other half are guestimates, but come on...as if. anyways, i'm not getting it. no one that i particularly like is getting it. padma don't really count though. so, pretty much get to watch people who care too damn much be upset when their name isn't called.

the difference between my caring a little bit and their caring too damn much is that i will not be crying if it don't happen. holla.
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i'm babysitting some kids i don't like right now. it's times like these that make me never want to have kids. they just think they're entitled to everything right then. and i'm like no, you're not actually. entitlement comes with having actually done something besides bitch and moan and fight with each other. and i always eat too much when people are at the house. which really sucks because i know i shouldn't but i do anyways, and then i look all smart when i don't eat dinner for whatever reason. but i lost another 3 lbs last week so i must be doing something right. but it's scaring me that i actually almost attempted to make myself throw up because i ate too much stuffing. i think i'm losing my mind.

mmmm...school's almost over, kind of, but it sucks. work is starting to suck. the show sucks. if we pull it off in two weeks, i will be fucking amazed. seriously. if it wasn't too late, i'd bail out and watch everyone else deal with it. the only reason i can actually tolerate rehearsals is because maia's there. and she doesn't kiss mrs. miller's ass like everyone else does. but apparently mrs. miller lost her fucking mind the other day and had it out with everyone who hadn't memorized their lines. i guess she threatened to quit. or whatever. but considering she did the same thing last year, albeit not at the same proximity to show time, i wouldn't really be too concerned.

but according to maia, mrs. miller does treat diana like shit. and if i were diana, i would drop out. no one can make you feel inferior without consent. and if she just hangs around, she bascially saying "yes mrs. miller, i'll take it like a good little bitch". and i understand enjoying doing whatever it is you do, but you can't just let someone who needs you treat you like you don't matter simply because you need the j-o-b. because at the end of the day, all this small bit shit don't matter.

You wanna search me then search me, but hurry up 'cuz I'm thirsty.
Current Music:
Outta Control (Remix) by 50 Cent f/ Mobb Deep
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well, it's afternoon, but whatever.

this week was hell, but somehow, moved past it and i'm feeling okay. had 2 tests, and a dbq on friday, plus a food day and a long-ass rehearsal. and the rest of the week was just a buildup to the big withdraw. the second half of friday was pretty raw especially the dbq simply because my history grade for this nine-weeks is riding on it hardcore. and i wish i had paid a little bit more attention in class up to this point because AP exams are almost up on us. dr. phil up on you. lol. i love wild'n'out. i hate nick cannon. so you take the good with the bad i guess.

and rehearsal was wack. beyond the belief. it was the first time both luisa's had gone over the choreography and that took so long. and caroline was there and everyone was kissing her ass. i like her, but she's not jesus. eden was like "she's the kanye west of hidden valley, she's super talented, and she super knows it". so, so true. but like i said, i like her. and so, there was the choreography, the fact that mrs. miller refuses to help the mutes figure out what they're supposed to be doing and then yells at us for being at the wrong place at the wrong time, and maia's family being there that was just too much. i don't really like when people sit in on rehearsals simply because nothing goes the way it's supposed to go. and for the most part, this play is starting to suck. we have 3 weeks to get out shit together and i kind of don't see it happening. i'll be amazed if it does simply because of the way this rehearsal went. i gotta say though, the food and the swordfighting were on point. padma's too nice to fight, and it's hard to believe he's going to seduce both maia and sarah, but stranger things have indeed happened.

ooh, and i started weight watchers last saturday and it's been kinda hard. i'm more inclined to not eat than stay inside my "points allowance", but then i go to work and there's all this good looking food and i'm stressed so i eat. and we have food day in sat prep and i eat, and tim's mom makes manicotti and i eat a lot. and all of this is in the space of two days. so, i kind of fucked my self. but what can i say, i like food. is that a crime? i guess it is, but what can i do?

and apparently i'm supposed to weight 125 pounds for my age and height. hell no. i want to have body parts. not look like the black olsen twin. 140 sounds nice. that's where i'm aiming for right now. i'll have to see what i look like when i get there though, because if my skin is all gross and saggy which it shouldn't be, i'm gaining it all back. because i'd rather have fat skin than excess saggy skin. and that's the gospel truth.

oh. and i finally finished my speech. *so happy*. now all i have to do is present it a minimum of three times before competition and figure out what the hell an FCCLA planning process summary page is and i'm good.

that's the sound of the police *whoo, whoo*.

You heard I was good, you wanna see if it's true.
Current Music:
U & Me by Cassie
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spring has sprung, and not sprung all at the same time. i mean it's really cold outside right now and it was 80 degrees yesterday. it sucks hardcore.

school's pretty much the same except everything is due all crazy, i've made pretty good headway with my speech, and i think i should have a b in history. being that those are my major concerns, that pretty much sums up everything in life. ain't that grand?

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goood, god. this has been a bad week and a good one in some respects.

i am completely over having a laptop now. if there was anything remotely cool about it besides being able to hook up to the ic at home, it's over. and it's all because of fundie. he's killed my enthusiasm. with his smart-ass clapper remarks...and the fact that he had fixed my computer while i was standing there and then was like "i'm going to keep this because it's totally trashed". i hate you.

i only had to work one day this week. monday was soo chill. but i'm kind of disappointed in myself for screwing with justin so hard it got me in trouble in gabrielle. because deep down underneath all of this bravada and this amazing rack, i really am a nice girl. most days. some days.

and then we had fire training on thursday. we watched this retahded movie about class level fires and safety. and do you know what i realized? i found out that i totally forgot about "stop, drop, and roll" until that movie. that shit may have just saved my life. and i'm not even kidding either. oh, and i was almost molested by julie and trey, but it's okay because i love them both. and as long as i smell good, i don't care. but sitting next to julie makes me realize how fuckin' enormous my thighs are. holy shit i was damn near embarrassed and i haven't really felt that way since middle school. it was weird, i was debating cross legs, uncross legs for the whole movie. and to make things a little bit more interesting (for me) i saw wil for the first time in almost 3 weeks. and i realized then that my attraction for him has headed south real quick. and not south in like a "went south" in a bad way. i mean went south as in south of the border. as in my border. and if that isn't self explanitory, i don't know how else to break it down without seeming like one of those girls who writes dirty words to touch herself to. but he's sooo fucking hot. and he's a virgin. i don't know if i could be any happier thinking about him.

ooh, wait, there is old boy who's all boo-boo'd up with miss career girl. and good lord, why am i feeling this way? because i finally met someone who i'm on the almost same wavelength with and we hit it off real quick. unfortunately. his make up to break up thing with his girlfriend is more or less like when rich married white people get into arguments and one goes to the beach house in malibu and the other one goes to the beach house on south beach. and no one bangs the help. the only thing breaking them up at this exact moment would be possibly their total and complete difference. like i can't think of three things they have in common and neither can he. and if i'm the one you air your girlfriend out to, and the one you want to go to med. school with, i think i have to at least have a shot at causing the "divorce" of sorts. and i think if i really try, i could be the home-wrecking whore i was born to be.

and i think that's where the values of the american youth have gone. straight into home wrecking whore mode. but, if you have the rack, le casier, you might as well use it right? and none of this really has anything to do with me wanting a relationship, i wouldn't really mind, but that takes so much concerted effort on both persons' part. i kind of just want to get off right now.

Here go a quarter, go call Tyrone
Current Music:
Baby I'ma Do Right by 3LW
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i swear to god sometimes its like everyone can read my mind. like no matter how private, or limited i try to keep myself, its almost as if everyone knows anyway. and it's like everyone hates me for it all of a sudden. in all seriousness, i never realized that i was incredibly obvious or incredibly loud mouthed. i had no idea. and all this time i thought i was a little discreet. i mean the slight pining after and change in emotion may have been a clue, but i really thought my head, my thoughts were mine.

and if all of these people have been able to read my mind all of this time, how come no one ever told me? my thoughts can't be that intriguing that they'd just tune in for the hell of it.

so what the hell is going on?

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oooh, i haven't written in a while, but that's okay.

my legs are kind of sore from working out, but it feels good. i'm glad. but it's like no matter how much working i do, i still eat it all back. i'm trying to condition for lacrosse right now, and i don't really know how it's going to work out seeing as how i've been training on a treadmill and lacrosse is outdoor.

saturday was bananas. i worked all day and didn't get home until like 7:30. but it was honestly one of the best times i've had at work in a long-ass time. lunch went by so fast we were done with everything by like 1:00ish which is really good for us and we had a nice long break. there is so much crazy gossip we have at work. it's not even just the people who work there, we talked about the residents, our shit, and EVERYONE'S business. this is of course keeping in mind that the way i talk about other people is the way they could be talking about me. i always just try and keep my head down a little bit when it comes to me because i really don't want to have my ass out, but what can you do? no blood drawn, no love lost.

but back to saturday, i didn't really want to go home and then have to come back to work so i stayed at work for a lil bit, did some laundry, then me and ambs went and watched made for a little bit. mrs. balle came in and tried to stay for a little bit but i guess she just couldn't hang with mtv. me and ambs got bored so we ended up driving around for a little bit, coming back, and chilling in the dining room. and i got to wear my own clothes. and jermayne definently staring at my ass. but i don't get why he said he was seventeen when he's *fifteen* which makes him *younger than me* which is *not my sTyLe*. and if u refuse to be civil to me, then i refuse to ignore you staring at my ass. it's not cool.

i saw wil again and it's definently been a while. and at first it was all awkward and i don't know why. but he was like pissed, hungover, and sad all at the same time. i've never seen him look like that before and i was sad for him. our work kind of sucks if you're not in high school anymore (or in his case almost aren't). because you know people can't shine of 6.50 an hour. that's why priscilla hates it. she's about ready to quit, but can't until she gets enough money for a new car. and wil can't leave until he gets a new car either. am i being selfish in not wanting him to go? i think so, but he's my wilary and if he left, i really would like insane miss him.

there was a happy crazy part to saturday too, oh yeah, so, amber and i discussed being secret lovers *shhh* and we decided that we're going to get married and have "almost twins" by getting knocked up by the same guy on the same night at (almost) the same time. and we were trying to decide who should be the babies' daddy. and i pick (of course) wil, but ambs said no because he's a bit of a druggie. but i say that a. he's really, really hot, and b. he's really, really sweet and that's a killa combo as far as i'm concerned. and i'd like to have a threesome with wil. no lie. ambs picked bryan. he's funny, but not hot. not at all. can't do it. refuse to think about it even hypothetically. because the thought of him even being mildly attractive is repulsive. like i said, he's funny, i like him, but not for me baby. and he likes the panthers. ewww.

so that left raleigh who me and ambs pick on because he's a "bad boy" in reform and he's a sweetheart. and we'd basically been going back on the whole innuendo thing all night until finally he's like "are you guys teasing each other again?" and amber's like yeah and from there all i really remember is that there was some fondling and a mutual kiss.

but hey, girls just wanna have fuu-un oh, girls just wanna have fun. i love work especially for moments like that.

this was supposed to be a quick update...
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Happy New Year yeah, i'm 10 days late, but it's still a new year. with the same old shit whoo hoo!!

mmm...the only difference is that i feel like something died inside of me. and i don't know how to get rid of it. i think it's starting to rot now. that's a problem.

the last couple of days at work have been really good. i love alanna. trey's cool too. and i miss my wilary.

school has pretty much sucked. but i can honestly say that i didn't do anything wrong this time. and with that knowledge, i shall go forth now and vanquish. but vanquish what? ooh, SATs on the 28th at PH. that sounds like fun. i should probably take that practice test. seeing as how my PSAT math score pretty much sucked ass. i hate geometry.

so, christmas break ended, new years, finished up, and school started up again. the monday back was hell. but after that i suppose we ended up right back in the swing of things. where we're supposed to be. and the realization that we only have 18 months of school left dawned on me and everyone else. and that is a beautiful feeling. and after that i'll go to college (columbia) and life (almost) happily ever after. except for the weeks i'll spend trying to figure out how to get around new york city. hey, i'm dreaming big.

i think that thought is the only thing keeping me sane. and i'm not delusional. i know the percentage acceptance rate, but it's still my dream. and where are we without our dreams? why do i get the feeling i've said that before?

it's exam week. had french on monday, and i thought that was ridiculously easy. so did diddy, so i'm not concerned anymore. i took english and current events today. i slayed my presentation in c.e. and i was so glad because i was nervous, but not nervous in a bad way, like nervous in a "let's get it" way. and it was hot in the room so i was a little uncomfortable, but i killed it. english was retahded and that' all i have to say about that.

tomorrow i have marketing and pre-calc. i need a 95 in pre-calc for an a for the semester. and marketing is retardedly easy. but all the dumbasses in my class will fail because they "just don't give a..."

and after thursday, no school for four days. i think that's a good thing.

i'm rambling. i need to study. chem and history on thursday. and then i die.

i think i'm doing something for the seniors in may. i don't even know what i signed up for. peri better be doing it too or i quit. because i'm not a senior.

Put your hands on my waistline, work me like a nine to five, try to hit my spot, give it all that you've got. I know you've got mine and I've got yours.
Current Mood:
blah blah
Current Music:
Get Mine Get Yours by Christina Aguilera
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